My Husband Deserves a Kind ME
Soooo....I'm a little late to the party, but I thought I'd share the word I've chosen for 2018, which is, kind.
The reason why I've chosen, kind, is because I've been letting my mommy stress and mommy overwhelm take over my life.
Which is causing me to be way more snappy and mean to my husband and our kids
Well, actually, it's my husband who truly gets the brunt of it...I can stay calmer around our kids, but my husband...he's the one who tends to feel my emotional wrath way more than I'd like him, too. Oh gosh! NOT GOOD AT ALL!
Like, for instance, this past weekend.
Aunt Flo was just about to come for her monthly visit and I was really in the mood to make these blondies.
Once getting home from C's soccer game, I headed right to the pantry to get all the ingredients out but realized I was out of brown sugar.
OHHHHH MAAAAANNNNN!!!
I didn't want to go back out to the store, so I thought I'd make them with white sugar instead.
Well, they came out waaaaaay too sweet and they weren't satisfying my Aunt Flo's soul.
So, the next day, D was going to the store and we talked about how sweet the blondies were and that it would be a good idea to just throw them out and then I said, "Can you get me some brown sugar and chocolate chips so I can make them again?"
He didn't really say "yes" or "no" so I just figured he was going to get them for me.
Well, when he got home, he didn't buy me brown sugar or chocolate chips and I was MAAAD!!!
The second I saw that he didn't buy those two little things for me, I snapped.
I didn't yell loud, but I definitely let him know, in my bitchiest tone ever, how I was feeling about it.
"If you and I were dating, you totally would have bought it for me!!"
"Why didn't you buy it? Because YOU don't want them, right??"
"Admit it!! Because YOU have weigh-in, YOU didn't want them in the house, right???"
"It's all about YOU!! When these aren't even for YOU!! These are for ME!! NOT YOU!! MEE!!!"
"I'm about to get my period and right now I REALLY want to make some blondies that are GOOD!!! And now I can't!! Thanks!!!"
And then he said,
"Yes...it's because I didn't want them. Plus, you just made some yesterday!!"
And then I stormed off and tried to calm myself down with some journaling.
Because in my mind, I was still reeling with thoughts like...
"This isn't how marriage is supposed to be!"
We're supposed to go out of our way for each other...do nice things for each other, even if the other one doesn't want to do it...comprise!!"
"We have NO compromise in our marriage!! SO NOT GOOD!!!"
"Why can't he just do this ONE thing for me...it's just brown sugar and chocolate chips!! I don't ask for much!!!"
"I can't ever rely on him anymore!!! He would have NEVER done this to me when we were first married."
And so on...
Once I started writing about the situation that pissed me off to the max, I was brought back to the words that I always hear...
"No one can make you happy except for yourself. If making yourself blondies will make you happy then just go to the store and get what you need. Do everything you need to do to make yourself happy. It's your job. Not his!"
And then I went downstairs and I thought I was fine and in a better place about it all until he said to me...
"What time should I have dinner ready?"
And I looked at him and SNAPPED!!!
"OHHHHH!!! You want to make MEEEE dinner at a certain time!?! You actually want to do something for MEEEEE?!? REALLY!!!! You can do this!?! But you can't do what I really wanted!!?! LIke, get MEEE some brown sugar and chocolate chips!!!!"
And then he looked at me and said,
"I'm leaving!!"
And he walked away.
While this is happening, our kiddos are getting wound up and then they start arguing with each other, because, like always, when my energy gets snappy and mean, so does there's.
OH GOSH!! SO NOT GOOD!!
This isn't the first time this has happened.
It happens A LOT when I'm exhausted and feel like I'm the only one do everything and when I really just want to go an hide and not be bothered for hours (or even weeks! Ha!).
It happens a lot because usually when everyone is sitting on the couch watching a movie, I'm the only one still up doing laundry, making snacks, cleaning up the kitchen, putting laundry away, getting more snacks, putting another load of laundry in, breaking up sibling fights, and so on, which again, causes me to SNAP!!
And because of that, this year, I want to handle situations like that with more kindness.
Because I don't like who I am and who I am becoming in those moments.
I've told my husband so many times, "thank you for always loving me at my worst" because there are so many times when I think to myself, "he would never have fallen in love with me or married me if he knew this was who I was when we were in college together."
And, I just don't want to model this behavior to my kids all the time anymore.
I want them to see their mother taking deep breaths and handling situations that make her mad with a little more calm in her voice. I want them to see her loving her husband and being kind to him, even when she's mad at him.
But, gosh, it isn't easy!
It's why I have created this site and do what I do here, because feeling calm within is SO very important to me and something I struggle with a lot.
I'm better than I used to be, but that time of month...watch out!!
A year ago, I would have never sat down right away to journal about my angry feelings. I would have instead, spent days not talking to my husband, all while walking around pissed off about it until finally, I'd tell him in a mean tone, "we have to talk!!!"
So this year...
I'm hoping to remember to take a few calming breaths when I feel myself start to turn into "anger" from the movie Inside Out.
To remember to walk away instead of saying something mean and hurtful to the ones I love the most.
To say sorry after I do end up reacting in a way that wasn't nice and has left me feeling guilty inside.
To do what I tell my kids to do, "it's OK to be angry, but it's NOT OK to hurt others or yourself when you're angry...stomp your feet, scream into a pillow or walk away instead and then talk about it nicely once you've calmed down."
To remember that those hard moments are going to come. It's part of being human. But, it's SO very important to not explode right away, and that will take practice, but just becoming more aware of my reactions is leading me in the right direction.
To remember that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. But, if you truly want to stop being mean to those you love, you gotta do everything it takes to get yourself in a better place so you can react in a way that doesn't hurt everyone who matters most to your busy mama heart.
And, lastly, to remember to BE kind to myself as I try to become less angry and more kind when difficult moments arise and easily ignite my anger inside.
Life (and marriage!) is one big roller coaster ride of emotions, but I just have to remember and constantly ask myself, "who do I want to BE when moments are JOYful and who do I want to BE when moments are not-so-JOYful?"
And that is someone who is kind, no matter the moment...good OR bad.
It's definitely hard, but I'm slowly getting there, one baby step at a time.
I still haven't apologized to my husband for getting all crazy on him over the brown sugar and chocolate chips.
I mean, really...I got snappy over brown sugar and chocolate chips!? OMG!!
He did a good thing, because now looking back, I really didn't need those blondies anyway because, in that moment, I would have eaten waaay more than needed thanks to all the stress I was feeling.
I'm actually laughing about this, but, I do still need to apologize. I did tell him that "he was right!" a few times the other day.
Something I learned from reading The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle and he lit up like a HAPPY light bulb.
Laura Doyle is amazing and has changed my life in how I react to my husband, but it's amazing how much my ego LOVES to stay in control because MY way is the RIGHT WAY!!
But, when I say kinder things, and I don't blow up as much as I used to (I will always blame you stress and my lovely left brain for causing me blow up!!), I find that our relationship is exactly where I want it to be...
fun, loving, passionate, affectionate and KIND!!
Until next time....
I'll be taking a few steps forward and a few steps back as I make my way to BEing a kinder wife and mom to my kiddos when I'm stressed out to the max and especially when my Aunt Flo is making her monthly visit.
Wish me luck...because I'll need it as these waters are pretty rough for me!!
And, gosh...THANK YOU, D, for, again, ALWAYS loving me at my worst (because I know, I'm not easy at times!), but, for also BEing my soulmate who helps me SEE deeper into myself so I can change and BE the kind, loving and calm person I want to BE to you, our kids and our life!
I would never have grown in this way if it wasn't for you!! I'll always be forever grateful for YOU and our kids and our life that we've created together. ALWAYS!
Why do I doodle uplifting words? Because it easily calms my mind and soothes my soul so I can FEEL JOLLY no matter how overwhelming and stressful my day may be (something that's hard to do when my mind is running five miles ahead or behind the present moment).